The regular readers of my blog now that things have been going downhill for me in the last few weeks. There was a hole in my heart from which hope was constantly draining. Or rather: there were so many cracks in it that nothing could be done to keep it either from breaking apart or turning into a hollow shell.
Then, about a week ago, I had a dream that I only partially remembered when I woke up. The most vivid part of it was that I stood at the side of a stranger at night time. It was not truly dark, the colours around us were mainly blue, purple, and black. And of course the white stars in the sky. The stranger was a man I had never seen before, yet he seemed very familiar. I know that he was some sort of spiritual guide in that dream as the surroundings were quite unreal. The closest explanation would be a black sand beach at night with a very interestingly coloured sky. There was no ocean though. It was a very unusual location for one of my dreams. I had never been there before. The man with dark-blond(ish) hair did not even say a thing, or maybe I cannot remember that part of the dream. I only remember that there was a very strong, deep connection, not a romantic one, but something completely different.
At the end of the dream, he was very close to me, our faces almost touching as he stood next to me and pointed towards the stars, The arm that did the pointing was on top of my shoulders reaching around me, so that's how we were close (I know that might not be the best way to describe it, but you might get the picture). He wanted to be sure I was looking at the right thing. It was just a dream, but the atmosphere in the dream, and that one moment - that was one of the best "memories" of my life. It was short, but perfect. And of course, when I woke up, I was a bit annoyed about not remembering all of the dream.
A few days later....
Just a couple of days ago, I was watching some Xena music videos (fan made) because I felt like a little bit of Xena but did not want to watch the series. One video I loved a lot. I watched it a couple of times, but when I hit replay again and again, and had the video running in the background without looking at the video itself, I realized I did hit replay because I wanted to listen to the song again and again. This came to me as a surprise because it hasn't happened to me for a long time that I was so instantly attracted to a voice. Actually, it never happened but with Michael Jackson - and that was when I was only eight years old. I'm 32 now.
The song that was used was by a man called Darren Hayes. The title was "Insatiable" (yes, you can imagine what kind of Xena music video that was). I was curious, I never heard that name before. I put the name into YouTube's search field, and got a list of videos. The video with the title "Black out the Sun" interested me - simply because of the title.
What I did not expect was that I suddenly saw a setting similar to the one my dream, not the same, but similar - and the man who had been in my dream. It was a very surreal feeling. And the lyrics of the song very much described what I felt like.
Breaking a broken heart completely
To say I was intrigued would be an understatement, so I watched the video a few times (because it is just beautifully done - visually, and then add the song to it - just amazing). Then I thought "Okay, let's see what he is like live." Oh god, did I regret that decision for the first few moments. I don't know what made me choose that one particular video, but the first few seconds, listening to that voice, absolutely shattered my heart - or rather melted it into something that was then transformed into a reasonably intact heart that had less leaks through which hope could escape. It took a few hours (yes, hours) of watching Darren Hayes music videos and performances though. I don't know how to describe it - and for most other people he won't have the same effect, I guess, but for me it was the one voice I needed. The voice combined with the lyrics, the music, the movements, everything.
Then YouTube recommend a video that told me "Darren Hayes of Savage Garden", I was slightly amused, because of course I knew about Savage Garden, but at that time did not really pay much attention to what was happening in the charts (I guess that never changed about me). I heard them in the radio. I just never really knew what they looked like.... But it does not matter.
The following two days
I learned a bit more about Darren, and that I had missed him while he was living in London. I arrived in London too late! I guess it is some curse of my life that I arrive too late all the time (be it in other people's lives or in places). There is always hope though, so I sent a tweet to Darren, not thinking that he'd actually reply. To my surprise he actually DID reply. At that time I had only known about him for a few hours. Of course I didn't tell him that I dreamed about him - that would have seemed a bit odd (even I thought it was odd).
In the two days after I "first" heard Darren's voice, I haven't felt sad at all. Of course, I didn't turn into a super positive person, and still have my doubts, fears, and negativity - but I can deal with it in a better way. I also am writing more actively on my own book again. Darren also indirectly gave me some more ideas to put into the novel that helped me to fill in some plot holes I had issues with. And there was that one character who had been more or less nameless for years because I never found the right name. He is a very important character, and very dear to me - but finding a name was impossible. In the last few months I named him Luke - after Luke Evans, who played Bard the Bowman. But it was not the right name. I think I found the right name now, a name that feels fitting. At last. Not having a name for the guy was so annoying!
My future will still be very challenging - because I am basically still homeless (wandering from one place to the next - but (some of) you know the story), and have not yet found the one person I could really talk to about what is on my mind. However, it all looks a bit lighter now - like the black sky is suddenly full of stars. I might still be able to make my dreams come true.
And I honestly hope that Darren would one day perform somewhere close to me - my friends know that I don't like places with many people, or loud places (i.e. concerts aren't exactly my ideal environment), but that man is one person I would like to hear and see live one day. Via a computer or a CD, you can hear the voice - of course - but there still is a barrier. I would like to experience what his voice is like without that barrier even though that might just leave me as blabbering idiot (just joking - or maybe not).
And that, my dear readers, is the reason why I had/have such issues with singers and musicians (as in being terrified by them). I knew that there was at least one out there whose voice would do this to me. I just never knew that this power could be used for good. I was always worried that such a voice would merely completely break my heart. I never expected it would also heal at the same time. Thank you, Darren. Please sing again.
And here is the video.
And here is the video.