Where I am at the moment....

I haven't been blogging lately - and so far nobody missed my blog, so I guess it's not such an issue. I need to do some writing this evening, or rather, I would like to talk to someone, but there is nobody who would understand my thoughts, and I won't utter them here either, but it'll be good to just do some writing.

I have recently moved (yes, once more).People who know me either online or offline always seem to think my life is easy, and I'm content because I never have a break-down in front of anybody, because I am strong, and because I still manage to appear confident and positive when I interact with people - but basically it is not true. I have tried to explain my situation to people, but they just do not get it simply because they have never experienced anything close to what I have experienced, and after a while, I just give up on trying to explain. It drains my energy even more. I always hoped that one day there would be somebody who truly understand without me having to explain things again and again. But I think in the last few days I truly arrived at the point where I realized that it's not going to happen.

People listen to what I say and then try to find something similar in their lives, and then tell me about it - as if it was the same thing.

And once more I am in a place where I have to deal with new people all the time, with people who always ask questions. When they hear about me having lived in New Zealand for so many years, they ask why I left, and why I even stayed there so long, etc. I have gotten used to harden myself against these questions, and just reply briefly, without too many details, without the pain. After one year away, I try to not even think about it too much any more myself. After all, I also did not find what I was looking for in New Zealand. I should have always stuck to my original plan, but I guess it's many years too late for that. You cannot turn back time.

It doesn't mean that I am a very negative person - more of a realist I would say. And it's realistic to say that there will never be a person who will even want to understand me. Who has the patience to do so, or who would want to help me with a dream I have. It just won't happen. So I need to cross it off my list forever, that one wish I never talk about in detail - and no, it's not even about love, I don't believe in that any more. My heart has been broken one too many times, and the last time, very recently, will have been the last. My heart is a deceiver, a traitor, some being that doesn't know right from wrong obviously.

I just have to focus on saving money, then finding a place to live, and just write, earn money with writing, write my book, and just reduce my contact with real people to as little as possible. I'm just not made for this extrovert world, and I'm sick of being told to be different.

Kenny Wizz vs Navi vs Ben - Can there be only one #1 Michael Jackson tribute artist?

Last night, I have been to a place called Stevenage to watch a Michael Jackson tribute artist called Ben . He was one of only two UK tribute artists I found interesting and promising enough to spend money on a ticket, transport, and accommodation (it's too difficult to travel back home with public transport at night). Now that I have seen three different Michael Jackson tribute artists in person, I would like to write about what they have in common, what made each of them stand out, and then answer the question: Is there really a number one? Did one of the two UK tributes manage to do something Kenny did not do? If you have read my old writings about Kenny, you know that he's very special (at least to me). I will have a look at their looks, their energy during the performance, the song selection, the costumes, the singing (or lack of it), the moves, the band & the dancers, the overall feel of the concert, and the meet & greet after the shows. In

Seeking and finding motivation - It needs to come from within

I have known for a long time that motivation is something that needs to come from within yourself. At least genuine motivation needs to come from within your own soul - it is the only kind of motivation that will last. Even though I have known this, I found (and still find) it very hard to keep myself motivated, to keep the spark within alive, to not let the world and the people in it kill my dreams. As a writer, I also read a lot. Most books are dedicated to other people, or have some sort of acknowledgment page where authors thank people who support them, people who keep them going, people who motivate them, and so on. For a very long time, I have wished I would have people I could use for these pages. I was wondering whom I would dedicate my books to, whom I would thank. But I could only ever think of fictional and/or famous characters. In real life, there is nobody who supports me with my writing and shows a genuine interest in my ideas or progress (of which there isn't that

Why work harder when there's no reward at all?

I am rather demotivated at the moment. Why work harder than other people if other people in the end get more for less work? Two volunteers who work a lot less than I do (also as a volunteer) get taken to see a castle this weekend, while I have to work. One of those two is being taken to the second castle. He's been taken on a day trip before. While I have been here since November and haven't been taken anywhere once. Usually, volunteers work five hours a day. But because I am really committed to the animals, I usually work six hours, often seven or eight (as a volunteer, so it's not like I get any money for extra hours). So I work more, but get less in return. How is that fair? It's just my life. I often put in so much effort into things, but get nothing in return. I feel like giving up. Why be reliable and hard working if it's just taken for granted? Why put in more effort when people who slack get all the rewards and extra attention?

AnonymousMarch 27, 2015 at 1:17 PM
Your experience makes you able to see things, may be no one else can see, and that is a unique value. Just be yourself, you were born for a reason. There are people who are able to understand you, and need you, even if it is not easy to find them, and who have the patience... do not give up your dreams!
Elrond HalfelvenMarch 30, 2015 at 11:45 AM
Aww, I'm very sad to read this. I know you've been having a really rough time; I've been trying to keep in regular contact via facebook and your blog, but my new job has been occupying the lion's share of my time. I wish there were something I could say to make you believe again that there ARE good people out there, people who do care about you and want to understand who you are. I'm one of them; as an introvert myself, I don't often go out of my way to befriend people, but when I met you, I really felt like we were, to quote Anne Shirley, "kindred spirits." I understand and identify with so much of what you're going through, and it kills me inside to see you suffer so much. I wish I could be there in person to offer support and kindness and love. Yes, love. Because true friends are there for each other through even the worst of times (Thorin and Bilbo come to mind), and I want you to know you can trust me to be here for you, no matter what.

Spirit of the River

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