A quote
When I was reading a wonderful book called "There is no Fear (Children of the Knight Vol. 3)" by Michael Bowler, I came across a line that inspired me to write this post a few months ago. Yes, this is actually an older post from a blog that used to have on WordPress. But it still feels relevant, and I know I have more readers on here than on Wordpress. So I am editing the post to re-use it here.
The quote was the following:
"Sometimes saying the things we've not been saying [...] was the hardest thing in the world to do."
The quote is a thought from Lance, the main character, who thinks about his feelings for his best friend. Feelings that he hardly ever puts into words, partially because he has problems with accepting them, and is afraid of what would happen if he spoke those words. He is afraid of being judged, misunderstood, and rejected by someone who means a lot to him.
The things we do not say - and why we do not say them
The things people do not say to each other play an important part in the series "Children of the Knight". Another quote is
"It's the things we don't say to each other that make all the difference."
I know the meaning behind those quotes only too well. I also know the inner conflict that comes with feelings that are left unspoken, feelings that you enjoy but that you do not want to show because you are afraid of being pushed away, of being misunderstood, of being rejected, of being ignored or even ridiculed for your honesty. Or even being called a liar because the other person does not want to believ you. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone the truth about your feelings, be they positive or negative, esp. if you don't know what the other person feels for you. Sometimes we simply cannot find that courage, maybe because we have been hurt too much before when we were honest. The reason why we stay silent can be manifold.
Wanting to say something positive
In the case of feeling very positive towards a person (it doesn't have to be the romantic type of love), you sometimes just would love to tell that person. For some reason you just feel so very positive about someone, you are filled with happiness and your soul is full of light.
When you know that the other person already is your friend, or a close family member, then it's usually not much of a problem. But when you have just met someone a while ago, and you are not sure whether the other person would be interested in staying in touch with you, or even becoming a new friend, then it all is a bit different. The options are that you either communicate your feelings and face either rejection, acceptance, or being ignored (the worst case in my opinion), or that you say nothing at all and lose the contact to that person anyway. Of course, in the latter case you could hope that the other person would take the first step - but this might very likely not happen, maybe because he or she has the same problem like you, or because they simply do not like you. In any case, you would not find out. The chance would be lost.
But what happens if you are courageous enough to take the first step, and to make your feelings known (even if not the full extent)? You can either get a positive response, a negative response, or you might get no response at all. Being honest is the only option you have if you want to have a chance at something positive. However, for some of us the risk of the other two options is just too much to bear.
Should we just give up on saying the things that are important to us?
It might be easier just to be the passive party in all of our relationships. The problem would then be that you might miss out on some of the best friends you could find in life - just because both of you were too afraid to say what you both wanted to say. Even if it's just something like "Wow, I would like to talk about that a bit more, could we stay in touch somehow?" A simple question like that will give you the chance to find out whether the other party is interested in staying in touch, too. They might be, they might be not. They might also be lying about wanting to stay in touch. You simply can't predict what will happen. Even if there have been many negative experiences in the past, you should not give up. After all, if the other person says "no", then you only lose a person that isn't interested in you anyway - and if they say "yes", then it might be the start of a very beautiful friendship.
I know....
I know how hard it is to be honest about your feelings. I know what it is like to be really interested in someone (for a variety of reasons). I know how vulnerable you feel when you open up to someone, and how scary it can be. I recently have made two rather disappointing experiences - and that only after I found the courage to actually be honest in a long time. For a while I believed I would never tell anyone I liked them before I wasn't sure they felt the same. I didn't want to ask anyone to be my friend because I was (and still am) terrified of rejection and being made fun of.
Last year (2014), I told two people who were very important in my life, what they mean to me (one of them I told everything, the other one I only tried to establish some sort of contact after we met). One of them simply never got back in touch with me (his loss), and the other person for a while simply pretended that she was interested in the friendship, too, but then it slowly came out that it was not the truth.
So my success rate with people is not that high. I tell myself to assume nothing. They might have reasons that have nothing to do with me at all. But it is easy for me to fall into the thought that they do not reply because they think I'm a boring person they would not like to have around / stay in touch with. It's easy for me to beat myself up verbally, to believe that I'm simply not worth it. This is something I need to work on. I guess it's something many people need to work on. At least I can tell myself I did my part. I was honest. And receiving no answer is also an answer.
Recently, with all those Hobbit fans, I almost made the mistake of not talking to some people I really wanted to talk to. One person I was very interested in, but did not want to talk to because I thought - without even having talked to him once - that there's no chance at all, not the slightest! Fortunately, a friend of mine didn't really have those concerns, "made me" talk to him, and to my surprise I'm still in touch with that one quite intriguing person - and he even introduced me to another interesting person.
Another person I almost missed out on was a cosplayer who cosplayed a character I tried not to like (Thorin Oakenshield - because I knew what was going to happen to him). When I first met the cosplayer, I did not even know whether it was a he or a she. When I ran into Thorin a few days later in the female restroom, the question was kind of answered.... We started talking, and if she didn't live in another country, we'd probably turn into the best of friends.
Your experiences
What are your experiences with unspoken feelings and thoughts? Do you prefer to be honest at all times, or do you keep a lot to yourself even if it's something quite positive? Are you waiting for the other person to take the first step? But what if the other person has the same concerns?
Yep, pretty much my lifelong struggle, so I really identify with you there. There was a guy in school I was infatuated with (I was around 13). I never, ever told him how I felt. I'm pretty sure he would have been mystified if I had, or disgusted. I would have jeopardized my "friendship" with him, which wasn't much, because I was mostly too intimidated to even talk to him. But I guess it would have spared me the time I wasted pining after him. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI think it really is important to try to communicate best we can what we feel. On a rational level, it makes sense, but it's not easy when you actually have to do it. We're afraid of pushing people away by being honest, but at the same time... if being honest with them frightens them, they're not very good or close friends, I guess. Still, hard to actually work up enough courage to be honest.
On another note, I really, really wish we lived in the same country. Even though I'm glad we're able to stay in touch online, it's just not the same as a face to face friendship. Maybe someday. We'll see how it goes. Still, I'm very happy to know you and I consider you a very dear friend. :)
I think you are about the only person I ever met who would actually understand me if we were meeting in real life more often. People like you are so very rare.
DeleteWhen a daydream occurs to me, I can be almost 100% sure, it will never happen. As if those were coming from a parallel universe, opposite of ours. This is my experience with deep feelings as well, I don't know if they are real or not. When I feel love, is it a false sympathy accompanied by a halo effect, or is it a resonance, the feeling of love returned? May be it is better to be iterative and interactive, to see what is real and what is fantasy.
ReplyDeleteLove, in my case, seems to be a traitor. I cannot trust my heart.
DeleteBut if there was a parallel universe, maybe we can hope that at least our alternative selves have a better life!