Yesterday, the first moor hen chicks appeared around the pond, and the ducklings will most likely not be far away either. The world around me is filled with new life. The flower bulbs I planted also break through the soil, the trees have leaves again, and many are in bloom right now. The sun has been shining for a few days in a row - and yet, the beauty around me is tainted by a few negative things. It is a bitter-sweet time of endings and new beginnings, though I am not so sure yet what those new beginnings will be.
Someone who means a lot to me, but to whom I mean virtually nothing, will soon leave - and while the whole story is quite depressing and sad, this stubborn man has taught me some very important lessons in honesty, people, and how much better it is to keep your distance. In the last few months, I had gradually put some doors and windows in the walls that protect my soul and heart, and I regret it. It is a weakness to become attached to other people, especially when your thinking self already knows that you'll just end up hurt, even if the other people don't have malicious intentions. Sometimes it is just that they do not care, and that you care too much even if you have only ever talked to someone a few times. And yet, seeing that one person leave, and having been disrespected by him in the last couple of days, hurts. Even though other people told me right from the start that he was not the best person to be around, and they could not understand that I wanted to try and be his friend.
My experiences with people in recent times just taught me that it is wrong for me to even try. I took on some extra work here, an additional day - even though I thought I would focus on my own writing from now on. I also took on some other writing jobs as they will keep me busy. At the moment, I don't know whether I want to continue with my novel. Maybe I will start a novella, something shorter, something with a completely different topic because I don't feel like tackling the big novel at the moment, especially because I don't want to deal with many of the topics in it. The novella I could just use as an outlet for some of the things that go through my head - but definitely it will not be published under my own name. Because if my books ever become popular, then I don't want people to connect me to them - I don't want people to turn up in my life just because I'm a writer.
A few years ago, when the trainer handed over to me the test results of the personality development course, she asked me: "When did you lose your trust in people?". She was referring to my learned introversion, being stronger, than my natural one. I didn't answer, and I still don't know the answer. It probably came gradually, slowly burnt into me, that I am different. I want different things, in different ways, than most people. Although everyone has responsibility in achieving their own freedom, but this is a very strange world we live in, I see no free people around me, and people who are not free, can not be trusted.
ReplyDeleteYet it is such a paradox. Our values, our character traits are important, because this is how we may be a treasure to others, but for us, the real treasures are our people. This came to my mind reading your sentence "you care too much even if". There is so much yearning in us for connection, real deep one, it's hard to express. This is what is worth living for. This joy is there in our connection to nature, but still the top is our relationship with people. And it is there inside us, but seems impossible to make it work, the way we imagine....
I know what you are talking about - i.e. about wanting different things, wanting to do things differently, wanting deeper, more meaningful connections. It is good to know that there are a few people out there who understand - I just wish I would meet someone in real life who would understand.
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