Acceptance, respect, friendship, love, safety - those are things most of us want at a certain level. Some need one of them more than the others, and can live with lower levels of the others. Unfortunately, we often do not get some of those, and some unlucky people struggle their whole life with even feeling safe or accepted in their relationships, be it with friends, family or lovers. We often make compromises, say yes to things we do not want to do - just to please others, make them like us more, make them accept us more, hoping that one day things would be different, and that the constant struggle for TRUE respect and love would be over.
Let me get one thing right out of the way: if you have to fight for other people's attention, then just forget about it. They do not care that much. It should not be a constant fight for attention. Respect and love yourself enough to see when you are chasing the wrong person. Everyone who needs chasing IS the wrong person. The right people want to be in your life, no matter what. But at the same time do not make the opposite mistake: do not turn into a person that needs to be chased. Always be honest with people if you notice they want more of your attention than you want to give. It is hard, but the kinder thing to do in the long run.
Let's take the constant struggle of most introverts: you want to be friends with other people, some of them most likely extroverts. They want to take you to events, to parties, to places with many people. As an introvert you immediately feel like your own company is not enough for them (why else would they need something to keep busy otherwise?), but yet you often say "yes" to the event even though you would rather read a book, listen to Darren Hayes all day long (well, almost all day long...), go for a walk in a quiet place, or just sleep. You hope that this will improve your chances to be liked and accepted. But guess what? It will not make you happy, and you will also not feel more liked by torturing yourself. And ask yourself: Do they say "yes" to the things you would like to do just as often as you say "yes" to them? Probably not. Do they make you feel like you are boring? Most likely yes. Then stop saying yes to them. If it is always such a constant struggle, it is likely they are not the people you need in your life. And if they tend to make you feel like you might as well not be there, then it is even more of a pointer into a different direction.
I made the mistake of saying "yes" to a lot of things in the past. And what is the result? Do I now have loyal, trustworthy friends in my life that have been in my life for many years? No. I only wasted time on people who never appreciated me for who I am to start with.
I know from experience that saying yes is not always right, and sometimes you need to be brave and honest enough to say no. The people who actually like you will not judge you for it, and will stay in your life. They will actually try to find out what YOU want to do for a change, and they will make an effort to do these things with you. You need to say no to the wrong people, so you can say yes to the right person. Who should turn up at some stage. Yes, with this one I do not yet speak from experience - but I have learned that I would rather be alone than spending time with people who make me feel boring, unlovable, and stupid.
Another point is that you should always be careful about whom you put your trust in. Of course, we all have the desire to talk to someone if we have a problem - no matter whether it is very serious or just an everyday problem. Sometimes the desire to talk to someone can be painful, and it can tear you apart inside. But is it better to open up to someone who then makes fun of your feelings, and calls you stupid, or plays down your feelings by turning the whole conversation into a conversation about themselves and the experiences they have made? No, it will not make you feel better or happier. Also say no to trusting the wrong people. If you feel uncomfortable about talking to a person about a problem, then don't. It is likely that you will regret it. It might even be that the other person tells others about what you have told them.
I have been listening to a lot of Darren Hayes recently. Well, for the last few days. It has changed a bit in my life. I ask myself why I let people treat me like my opinion is worth less than theirs. Like my time is worth less than theirs. Why my feelings are worth less than theirs. Why I let them make me feel like I do not even deserve their attention, understanding and time. Why I let myself down. Why I put myself in situations that I do not like, that make me feel uncomfortable. Why I still even try. Why I let others judge me by where I was born. Why I let others make decisions for me.
Because the friend who would understand me, who would keep my secrets, who would just enjoy time with me without any distractions, who would just be there without being demanding, without belittling me and my ideas - that person might just be around the corner while I deal with people who wouldn't even miss me if I was not part of their lives.
Let me get one thing right out of the way: if you have to fight for other people's attention, then just forget about it. They do not care that much. It should not be a constant fight for attention. Respect and love yourself enough to see when you are chasing the wrong person. Everyone who needs chasing IS the wrong person. The right people want to be in your life, no matter what. But at the same time do not make the opposite mistake: do not turn into a person that needs to be chased. Always be honest with people if you notice they want more of your attention than you want to give. It is hard, but the kinder thing to do in the long run.
Let's take the constant struggle of most introverts: you want to be friends with other people, some of them most likely extroverts. They want to take you to events, to parties, to places with many people. As an introvert you immediately feel like your own company is not enough for them (why else would they need something to keep busy otherwise?), but yet you often say "yes" to the event even though you would rather read a book, listen to Darren Hayes all day long (well, almost all day long...), go for a walk in a quiet place, or just sleep. You hope that this will improve your chances to be liked and accepted. But guess what? It will not make you happy, and you will also not feel more liked by torturing yourself. And ask yourself: Do they say "yes" to the things you would like to do just as often as you say "yes" to them? Probably not. Do they make you feel like you are boring? Most likely yes. Then stop saying yes to them. If it is always such a constant struggle, it is likely they are not the people you need in your life. And if they tend to make you feel like you might as well not be there, then it is even more of a pointer into a different direction.
I made the mistake of saying "yes" to a lot of things in the past. And what is the result? Do I now have loyal, trustworthy friends in my life that have been in my life for many years? No. I only wasted time on people who never appreciated me for who I am to start with.
I know from experience that saying yes is not always right, and sometimes you need to be brave and honest enough to say no. The people who actually like you will not judge you for it, and will stay in your life. They will actually try to find out what YOU want to do for a change, and they will make an effort to do these things with you. You need to say no to the wrong people, so you can say yes to the right person. Who should turn up at some stage. Yes, with this one I do not yet speak from experience - but I have learned that I would rather be alone than spending time with people who make me feel boring, unlovable, and stupid.
Another point is that you should always be careful about whom you put your trust in. Of course, we all have the desire to talk to someone if we have a problem - no matter whether it is very serious or just an everyday problem. Sometimes the desire to talk to someone can be painful, and it can tear you apart inside. But is it better to open up to someone who then makes fun of your feelings, and calls you stupid, or plays down your feelings by turning the whole conversation into a conversation about themselves and the experiences they have made? No, it will not make you feel better or happier. Also say no to trusting the wrong people. If you feel uncomfortable about talking to a person about a problem, then don't. It is likely that you will regret it. It might even be that the other person tells others about what you have told them.
I have been listening to a lot of Darren Hayes recently. Well, for the last few days. It has changed a bit in my life. I ask myself why I let people treat me like my opinion is worth less than theirs. Like my time is worth less than theirs. Why my feelings are worth less than theirs. Why I let them make me feel like I do not even deserve their attention, understanding and time. Why I let myself down. Why I put myself in situations that I do not like, that make me feel uncomfortable. Why I still even try. Why I let others judge me by where I was born. Why I let others make decisions for me.
Because the friend who would understand me, who would keep my secrets, who would just enjoy time with me without any distractions, who would just be there without being demanding, without belittling me and my ideas - that person might just be around the corner while I deal with people who wouldn't even miss me if I was not part of their lives.
Great post, this really hits the spot with me. You have put how I feel a lot of the time into words,thank you x
ReplyDeleteSo much wisdom in this post. It's a hard thing to accept, that some people simply aren't willing to give of themselves what they expect you to give of yourself, or expect you to compromise where they themselves aren't willing to. True friendships are 50/50, not 80/20, or 90/10. I've learned that (very painfully) all too many times myself. Thanks for these excellent and accurate insights.
ReplyDeleteYes, it should be 50/50 most of the time. For me, it is easy to know all the theories, but very hard to stick to it in real life, i.e. it often happens that I think things will improve "some day". But that one day never comes. I need to be more honest to myself in that regard, and not keep day dreaming and hoping. As hard as the reality is: if someone does not put any or much effort into a relationship, they simply do not care.
DeleteThis is some solid advice, AND written well.Thanks! We could all benefit from more deciding, and less blindly reacting.
ReplyDelete"But at the same time do not make the opposite mistake: do not turn into a person that needs to be chased."
ReplyDeleteI love this thought. : ))