I haven't been blogging lately - and so far nobody missed my blog, so I guess it's not such an issue. I need to do some writing this evening, or rather, I would like to talk to someone, but there is nobody who would understand my thoughts, and I won't utter them here either, but it'll be good to just do some writing.
I have recently moved (yes, once more).People who know me either online or offline always seem to think my life is easy, and I'm content because I never have a break-down in front of anybody, because I am strong, and because I still manage to appear confident and positive when I interact with people - but basically it is not true. I have tried to explain my situation to people, but they just do not get it simply because they have never experienced anything close to what I have experienced, and after a while, I just give up on trying to explain. It drains my energy even more. I always hoped that one day there would be somebody who truly understand without me having to explain things again and again. But I think in the last few days I truly arrived at the point where I realized that it's not going to happen.
People listen to what I say and then try to find something similar in their lives, and then tell me about it - as if it was the same thing.
And once more I am in a place where I have to deal with new people all the time, with people who always ask questions. When they hear about me having lived in New Zealand for so many years, they ask why I left, and why I even stayed there so long, etc. I have gotten used to harden myself against these questions, and just reply briefly, without too many details, without the pain. After one year away, I try to not even think about it too much any more myself. After all, I also did not find what I was looking for in New Zealand. I should have always stuck to my original plan, but I guess it's many years too late for that. You cannot turn back time.
It doesn't mean that I am a very negative person - more of a realist I would say. And it's realistic to say that there will never be a person who will even want to understand me. Who has the patience to do so, or who would want to help me with a dream I have. It just won't happen. So I need to cross it off my list forever, that one wish I never talk about in detail - and no, it's not even about love, I don't believe in that any more. My heart has been broken one too many times, and the last time, very recently, will have been the last. My heart is a deceiver, a traitor, some being that doesn't know right from wrong obviously.
I just have to focus on saving money, then finding a place to live, and just write, earn money with writing, write my book, and just reduce my contact with real people to as little as possible. I'm just not made for this extrovert world, and I'm sick of being told to be different.
I have recently moved (yes, once more).People who know me either online or offline always seem to think my life is easy, and I'm content because I never have a break-down in front of anybody, because I am strong, and because I still manage to appear confident and positive when I interact with people - but basically it is not true. I have tried to explain my situation to people, but they just do not get it simply because they have never experienced anything close to what I have experienced, and after a while, I just give up on trying to explain. It drains my energy even more. I always hoped that one day there would be somebody who truly understand without me having to explain things again and again. But I think in the last few days I truly arrived at the point where I realized that it's not going to happen.
People listen to what I say and then try to find something similar in their lives, and then tell me about it - as if it was the same thing.
And once more I am in a place where I have to deal with new people all the time, with people who always ask questions. When they hear about me having lived in New Zealand for so many years, they ask why I left, and why I even stayed there so long, etc. I have gotten used to harden myself against these questions, and just reply briefly, without too many details, without the pain. After one year away, I try to not even think about it too much any more myself. After all, I also did not find what I was looking for in New Zealand. I should have always stuck to my original plan, but I guess it's many years too late for that. You cannot turn back time.
It doesn't mean that I am a very negative person - more of a realist I would say. And it's realistic to say that there will never be a person who will even want to understand me. Who has the patience to do so, or who would want to help me with a dream I have. It just won't happen. So I need to cross it off my list forever, that one wish I never talk about in detail - and no, it's not even about love, I don't believe in that any more. My heart has been broken one too many times, and the last time, very recently, will have been the last. My heart is a deceiver, a traitor, some being that doesn't know right from wrong obviously.
I just have to focus on saving money, then finding a place to live, and just write, earn money with writing, write my book, and just reduce my contact with real people to as little as possible. I'm just not made for this extrovert world, and I'm sick of being told to be different.
Your experience makes you able to see things, may be no one else can see, and that is a unique value. Just be yourself, you were born for a reason. There are people who are able to understand you, and need you, even if it is not easy to find them, and who have the patience... do not give up your dreams!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your encouraging words. It is nice that you took the time to write them down. I try to stay hopeful, there is a saying that hope is the last thing that dies - but in the last few weeks, my level of hope has been dropping quite a lot.
DeleteIt would only take one person. I don't need more. But with my luck that one person who truly would want to know everything, and then not judge me negatively, most likely would live on the other side of the world, and I'd never meet him or her.
Aww, I'm very sad to read this. I know you've been having a really rough time; I've been trying to keep in regular contact via facebook and your blog, but my new job has been occupying the lion's share of my time. I wish there were something I could say to make you believe again that there ARE good people out there, people who do care about you and want to understand who you are. I'm one of them; as an introvert myself, I don't often go out of my way to befriend people, but when I met you, I really felt like we were, to quote Anne Shirley, "kindred spirits." I understand and identify with so much of what you're going through, and it kills me inside to see you suffer so much. I wish I could be there in person to offer support and kindness and love. Yes, love. Because true friends are there for each other through even the worst of times (Thorin and Bilbo come to mind), and I want you to know you can trust me to be here for you, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I know that you are one of the few people who understand what I am going through, and you are actually the only one who knows more about the details. And I am glad to know that you think the way you do, and very, very glad that we got to spend some time together.
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