Spirit of the River

Think about one of your closest relationships - with your best friend, your wife, your partner, your mother, any relationship that means a lot to you, even (no, especially if) it sometimes is problematic. When someone would ask you how much responsibility each person has to make the relationship work, what would you say? That it is a 50/50 share of responsibility, or maybe a 60/40 because you should always be willing to give a little more than the other person? While the explanations for both answers are understandable, it would be better for everyone if we always took on 100% of the responsibility - without expecting anything in return. I think if we all just stopped expecting too much from each other and took on more responsibility for our OWN behaviour, then many friendships and relationships would work a lot better. The expectation factor is one of the things that leads to many disappointments, bitterness, and even resentment. And if you stop expecting things for every one...

When I still lived in New Zealand, and also during my first year in the UK, I often dreamed dreams that included Lucy Lawless. Not Xena, but the actress herself. Last night, I had a dream that surprised me because I thought my years of dreams about Lucy Lawless were over because the last dream I had about her felt like the end of a series. The dreams were telling me a lot about my life, especially now that I am looking back at them. It once more makes me wonder whether our dreams are more than just random images and stories that come to us at night.  In the beginning: Lucy Lawless as an unapproachable, distant star My dreams in the beginning were usually set during conventions or shows, e.g. concerts during which Lucy was the singer. I was always only part of the audience, and as much as I wanted to talk to Lucy, and ask her questions about life, I never had the chance to get anywhere close to her. I was simply a powerless spectator who wanted something she cou...

Sometimes, a voice inside of you tells you something - you know that things will develop a certain way. Your intuition, your guts, your heart, whatever talks to you in those moments, tells you. Sometimes we do not want to accept that we already know things. We hope that they might turn out differently - that our inner voice is wrong. And then, a while later, things do indeed turn out the way we thought right in the beginning. Does this ever happen to you? If yes, do you trust your inner voice, or do you go against it? In the last four months, I knew that there was a development going on that would mean something negative for me. I KNEW it, I just knew. I did not want to believe it. I hoped against all odds that my inner voice was wrong, and that I would be proven wrong. That for once things would have a more positive ending for me - instead of me having to watch other people having a happy ending (not the first time that this happened). Unfortunately, I was not wrong. Now I tell myse...

Yesterday, the first moor hen chicks appeared around the pond, and the ducklings will most likely not be far away either. The world around me is filled with new life. The flower bulbs I planted also break through the soil, the trees have leaves again, and many are in bloom right now. The sun has been shining for a few days in a row - and yet, the beauty around me is tainted by a few negative things. It is a bitter-sweet time of endings and new beginnings, though I am not so sure yet what those new beginnings will be. Someone who means a lot to me, but to whom I mean virtually nothing, will soon leave - and while the whole story is quite depressing and sad, this stubborn man has taught me some very important lessons in honesty, people, and how much better it is to keep your distance. In the last few months, I had gradually put some doors and windows in the walls that protect my soul and heart, and I regret it. It is a weakness to become attached to other people, especially when y...

Do you know your own values or are you defined by what you "should" be? Other people have ideas about how we are supposed to be ever since we were little. Be reliable, be punctual, be caring, be friendly, be social, etc. We each have learned what kind of values are expected. Our families, friends, teachers, bosses, and co-workers are often quite influential - sometimes so much that we don't feel quite right, never know our own values, or hide them because we feel like they are not valued by other people. People who know their own values, and act accordingly are usually the people you look up to, and who feel different from the others. How many do you know? I.e. the people who don't define themselves by other people's value, and who do not define themselves by their success or their financial possessions?  Being a person who is different from others is not always easy, but knowing your own values helps you a lot. They can be your inner compass, and the...

Warning: This is another unedited post. I just wrote down some of the things that are on my mind. Sorry for any mistakes - but this post is what it is!  Most of us make the mistake of trying to impress other people - and often we do stupid things to be "liked": we drink too much to be accepted we speak words that should not be spoken just to fit in we hide who we really are we go to parties we do not want to go to we take part in activities we do not enjoy we basically let other people lead us around on a leash - like a puppy. This is all wrong. Do you really think the people who need to be impressed in that manner are the right people to have around? Do they make you happy? Do they feed out their affection to you as if they were throwing crumbs to pigeons in a park (thanks to Darren Hayes for that image)? Then they might not be the right people to have in your life. I found that you need to make sure that you YOURSELF can look into the mirror, at your ac...

A quote When I was reading a wonderful book called "There is no Fear (Children of the Knight Vol. 3)" by Michael Bowler, I came across a line that inspired me to write this post a few months ago. Yes, this is actually an older post from a blog that used to have on WordPress. But it still feels relevant, and I know I have more readers on here than on Wordpress. So I am editing the post to re-use it here. The quote was the following: "Sometimes saying the things we've not been saying [...] was the hardest thing in the world to do." The quote is a thought from Lance, the main character, who thinks about his feelings for his best friend. Feelings that he hardly ever puts into words, partially because he has problems with accepting them, and is afraid of what would happen if he spoke those words. He is afraid of being judged, misunderstood, and rejected by someone who means a lot to him. The things we do not say - and why we do not say them The things people do...

Sometimes, you need the help of a wise friend. A discussion on Facebook gave me the idea to write about imaginary relationships (which includes friendships, too, it's not all about love). Most of us had such a relationship at some stage in our life, some of us had a more detailed one, and others just had thoughts like "What if...?" Some kids had imaginary friends, other kids didn't. An imaginary friendship is defined by the fact that the person you day-dream about either doesn't exist or has no interest in the kind of relationship you are interested in. In many cases, the person of desire is a famous person or a fictional character that simply is too good to really exist in life. And this is what I am writing about here: I am not going into imaginary relationships with people you actually know - because I think that can be quite a dangerous topic, and it can also create problems in relationships as they actually are in reality. But what about your daydre...

I have recently been working with different books about introversion (partially because it was a job, partially because I was interested in the topic as I am definitely an introvert). One of the books I've read was by Laurie Helgoe, and she uses an interesting idea to describe how introverts and extroverts connect to friends. It's only a short paragraph, and I felt like I would like to use this idea for today's blog post. Laurie Helgoe wrote that introverts are like luxury retreats or spa retreats that only have a very limited amount of rooms, while extroverts are like a normal hotel with dozens, if not hundreds of rooms. The extroverts is able to interact with plenty of people as there are usually many vacancies in a big hotel. However, the rooms often all look the same and don't come with a lot of service. You get the basic room service, but usually you just check in, stay a while, check out, and many other people make exactly the same experience. Basically it mea...

Do you know the old Bee Gees song "Words" (it has also been covered by Boyzone, and I find that version a bit easier to listen to). It is partially about the meaning of words, how words can change someone's heart, how they can win a heart, how important that they be, but also that the other person might not believe a thing the other says. When words are all you have If you have been following my blog (either here on the old version on Wordpress), then you know that I love words, I love languages, I love books, I love meaningful lyrics, I love writing. However, at the moment, words also make me sad - because if words are indeed all you have, then you do not have much at all. If you then also only get the words from strangers (i.e. from songs, from books, from strangers you meet on the internet because your "friends" don't care), then it is even worse, because of course those strangers do not know you. They have not written the words with you in mind. The ...

After I decided to continue using this blog instead of my WordPress blog, I had a look at my old posts, and decided to write a follow-up article to one of my most popular posts: about being like Xena. I am not sure whether it is the images or the actual text that attracted visitors, but no matter what the reason is, it has turned into one of the most visited posts on this blog. When I wrote the older post, I was still living in New Zealand, and in a way, I was stuck in a rut. Only now that I am looking back at what I was doing (virtually just being stuck in a daily routine), do I realize that I wasn't getting very close to being like Xena. Yes, I was tough, I was the one people turned to when they needed advice or help, and I dealt with my problems on my own.  But I was not very proactive when it came to changing my life. I was letting other people just treat me the way they wanted to treat me. I accepted negativity, I accepted people taking advantage of me. All because I th...

Respect is one of the very important ingredients you need to create the "cake" called happiness. However,do not make the mistake to think that it is other people who need to add THEIR respect to YOUR cake. You are the baker, you are responsible for what that cake looks like. When I was younger (as in a kid and teenager) I often just adjusted my own needs to what other people wanted. I thought this way I would become more popular, more loved, more respected, and that people then would want to spend more time with me. I only achieved that I was "tolerated" (I now also know I was looking for the attention of the wrong people, but that is a story for another time, maybe). I also achieved that I was very unhappy with myself because I often put my own well-being, my own needs, my own values into a cupboard. I hid my passions, my true opinions, and in return did not really get along with myself very well. I was disrespecting myself - just because I wanted other people t...

Being not "good" enough We all want to have friends, we all want to be accepted by others. Unfortunately, some people will not like who you truly are, and you know it. Sometimes we meet people we think we like, maybe because they look a certain way, maybe because they are part of a certain group, maybe because they have a certain position we admire, etc. But when we realize that who we are might not be enough for them to be interested in us, we often try to be someone else. What I learned through experience is this: If you aren't "good" enough for them, then they are also most likely not good for you in the long run. They will drain your energy, they will always make you feel under pressure, and in the end, you won't even like yourself any more. Changing your character for others is not a good idea You are who you are - and that is absolutely okay. Everyone changes over time, everyone develops new skills, new likes, new dislikes, and everyone becomes ...

Writing letters with pen and paper - a dying art? Do you remember a time when you still received handwritten letters in your mailbox (no, not your virtual mailbox, but the physical mailbox in front of your house)? If you are like me, then you might have had quite a few pen pals when you were younger. I started writing letters at the age of 9 or 10, and the older I got, the more pen pals I had, also quite internationally. After I came home from school, I always checked whether there were any letters on the table, and on a Saturday or during school holidays, I always went to the mailbox right away after the mail man (or woman) was there. Receiving a letter, opening it, reading it - it was quite special to me. After all it meant that someone somewhere else on this planet has taken the time to sit down and write to me. It was not only a letter but also a gift of time - something you can never get back. But then the internet became more easily available for the general public, a...