Spirit of the River

Think about one of your closest relationships - with your best friend, your wife, your partner, your mother, any relationship that means a lot to you, even (no, especially if) it sometimes is problematic. When someone would ask you how much responsibility each person has to make the relationship work, what would you say? That it is a 50/50 share of responsibility, or maybe a 60/40 because you should always be willing to give a little more than the other person? While the explanations for both answers are understandable, it would be better for everyone if we always took on 100% of the responsibility - without expecting anything in return. I think if we all just stopped expecting too much from each other and took on more responsibility for our OWN behaviour, then many friendships and relationships would work a lot better. The expectation factor is one of the things that leads to many disappointments, bitterness, and even resentment. And if you stop expecting things for every one...

Do you know your own values or are you defined by what you "should" be? Other people have ideas about how we are supposed to be ever since we were little. Be reliable, be punctual, be caring, be friendly, be social, etc. We each have learned what kind of values are expected. Our families, friends, teachers, bosses, and co-workers are often quite influential - sometimes so much that we don't feel quite right, never know our own values, or hide them because we feel like they are not valued by other people. People who know their own values, and act accordingly are usually the people you look up to, and who feel different from the others. How many do you know? I.e. the people who don't define themselves by other people's value, and who do not define themselves by their success or their financial possessions?  Being a person who is different from others is not always easy, but knowing your own values helps you a lot. They can be your inner compass, and the...

Respect is one of the very important ingredients you need to create the "cake" called happiness. However,do not make the mistake to think that it is other people who need to add THEIR respect to YOUR cake. You are the baker, you are responsible for what that cake looks like. When I was younger (as in a kid and teenager) I often just adjusted my own needs to what other people wanted. I thought this way I would become more popular, more loved, more respected, and that people then would want to spend more time with me. I only achieved that I was "tolerated" (I now also know I was looking for the attention of the wrong people, but that is a story for another time, maybe). I also achieved that I was very unhappy with myself because I often put my own well-being, my own needs, my own values into a cupboard. I hid my passions, my true opinions, and in return did not really get along with myself very well. I was disrespecting myself - just because I wanted other people t...

Being not "good" enough We all want to have friends, we all want to be accepted by others. Unfortunately, some people will not like who you truly are, and you know it. Sometimes we meet people we think we like, maybe because they look a certain way, maybe because they are part of a certain group, maybe because they have a certain position we admire, etc. But when we realize that who we are might not be enough for them to be interested in us, we often try to be someone else. What I learned through experience is this: If you aren't "good" enough for them, then they are also most likely not good for you in the long run. They will drain your energy, they will always make you feel under pressure, and in the end, you won't even like yourself any more. Changing your character for others is not a good idea You are who you are - and that is absolutely okay. Everyone changes over time, everyone develops new skills, new likes, new dislikes, and everyone becomes ...