What this article will be about
In the past few months, I have lived in a place where I get to interact with Eastern Europeans quite a bit. I tend to get along with most people (that does not mean they are friends though), and am interested in different cultures. I used to have a Polish friend when I was a kid, and a Russian best friend when I was 16-22 years old. I also used to get along with people from Eastern Asia, especially the Japanese - but that is another topic. In this blog article, I would like to discuss a few things about the differences between people from different European countries - and whether those differences can be overcome or not.
What do I mean by Eastern and Western European?
Of course, Europe consists of more than just East and West. Some people also make the difference between Central, Northern, and Southern parts of Europe, but to me (in this article) it is about the differences between countries like Poland, Hungary, the Ukraine, Romania, and other countries in that Eastern region (which also includes parts of Russia) and countries like Germany, France, and the UK. Let's not add countries like Spain and Italy to the mix, because that just adds another layer of differences.
Another note: this article is based on my recent experiences - some of them rather confusing -, and if you have any comment on this, please do comment. Especially if you are from Eastern Europe and can enlighten me a bit, or give me a different point of view.
Problem 1: relationships, friendships
One Eastern European guy (from the Ukraine) told me, that in Eastern Europe, friendship between men and women is NOT possible. There is either nothing or a love relationship - nothing in between. I tried to explain to him the different stages from HATE to LOVE, with stages like "dislike", "neutral", "like", etc. He said that something like that did not exist when it comes to relationships between men and women in Eastern Europe. He said it was a Western European thing. But is it? Do men and women in Eastern Europe never form a close friendship that does not include any romance?
A bit more background: The Ukrainian guy always asks me for advice on the English language, then I am suddenly his friend. But when I ask him about friendship, he says that "a woman and a man CANNOT be friends. WE cannot be friends." So he basically just uses me as a free learning resource, I guess, He also tried to keep me from becoming friends with someone from Poland by always saying negative things about how the Polish guy and I would never get along, and became quite annoyed when he saw that it did not stop me from talking to the Polish guy. And that it did not stop us from actually getting along in a way.
Problem 2: Do Eastern Europeans see Western Europeans as their enemies?
When talking to SOME Eastern Europeans (fortunately not all), it comes across as if they still see Western Europeans (especially the English and Germans) as some sort of enemy, and that there is a lot of bitterness. A Polish man made me aware of some jokes about Poles that are apparently quite popular in Germany (I've never heard them before though, maybe because I never hung out with racist people?), and how Poles are sometimes perceived by other Europeans. During those discussions, I became aware of how unaware I was of all those things. I just never had those ideas (and still don't), e.g. that Eastern Europeans steal, are dishonest, etc. It never occurred to me, and kind of shocked me that Eastern Europeans seem to think that other countries think of them that way. Is it really like that? And do Eastern Europeans still hate some countries for what happened in history? It made me quite sad when someone said that I was their "enemy" because I was born in Germany. But damn it, I wanted to get out of that country since I was kid because I never felt connected to the country - and you'll not get me back to Germany, so I hate it when people judge me because of something I had no control over, i.e. where I was born. Maybe that is the reason why I tend to judge people on things OTHER than their nationality? Am I too naive? Does nationality play more of a role than I believe?
Problem 3: Politeness in different countries
In the last few months, I had some issues with the topic of politeness. I usually try to be polite. In an honest way though. I am not going to say something nice to someone if I do not mean it. But what does politeness mean in Eastern Europe? I tried to be polite, and kind to someone, and he treated me as if I did the most suspicious thing. I know that in Eastern Europe, some things are different, e.g. you wouldn't call someone by their first name unless you know them well (and in England you just call almost everyone by their first name). But what else is a difference in Eastern Europe? How can you show someone from Eastern Europe that you truly respect them for who they are without coming across like an idiot or someone dishonest?
My view on Eastern Europeans
I honestly enjoy having Eastern Europeans around. I love their accent when they speak English (that is if they speak English well enough, and do communicate with me), and I have always been fascinated by Eastern Europe for some reason. Why? I have no idea. Why is my favourite colour my favourite colour? I also do not know. It just is the way it is.
Friendship between Germans and Poles?
One Eastern European person in particular fascinates me, and the conversations with him helped me to understand a lot about life, and myself. And yet, he is the one person that always manages to confuse me when he suddenly starts with his "East vs. West" statements again. From one moment (where I feel like he's a really good friend that I can trust, and who trusts me in a way) to the next (where I feel like he sees me as an enemy he could never trust), things just change. He also does not like it when I want to talk about the confusion ("Why do you always want to talk?" he says). Don't get this wrong: From my point of view, the two of us are friends. At least I know that I see myself as his friend. If he needed my help with something I can realistically do (and which does not involve harming any animals), I would help him. I see myself as connected to him, and once I feel that way, I am a loyal friend. But I would lie if I said I understand him. I don't - but I want to. And I wonder whether it's just the Eastern European issue that keeps a certain distance between us or something else.
Is it possible - over time, with patience, and honesty - to overcome problems that arise from two people being from two different countries with different cultures, ideas, and ideals?
As already mentioned, I used to have a Polish girl as a friend when I was a kid. But I guess things are different when you are younger. Children care less about countries. Why can't we all be more like children? Less judgemental? More interested in having fun and getting along? More interested in loving and being loved than making others feel bad about who they are?
In the past few months, I have lived in a place where I get to interact with Eastern Europeans quite a bit. I tend to get along with most people (that does not mean they are friends though), and am interested in different cultures. I used to have a Polish friend when I was a kid, and a Russian best friend when I was 16-22 years old. I also used to get along with people from Eastern Asia, especially the Japanese - but that is another topic. In this blog article, I would like to discuss a few things about the differences between people from different European countries - and whether those differences can be overcome or not.
What do I mean by Eastern and Western European?
Of course, Europe consists of more than just East and West. Some people also make the difference between Central, Northern, and Southern parts of Europe, but to me (in this article) it is about the differences between countries like Poland, Hungary, the Ukraine, Romania, and other countries in that Eastern region (which also includes parts of Russia) and countries like Germany, France, and the UK. Let's not add countries like Spain and Italy to the mix, because that just adds another layer of differences.
Another note: this article is based on my recent experiences - some of them rather confusing -, and if you have any comment on this, please do comment. Especially if you are from Eastern Europe and can enlighten me a bit, or give me a different point of view.
Problem 1: relationships, friendships
One Eastern European guy (from the Ukraine) told me, that in Eastern Europe, friendship between men and women is NOT possible. There is either nothing or a love relationship - nothing in between. I tried to explain to him the different stages from HATE to LOVE, with stages like "dislike", "neutral", "like", etc. He said that something like that did not exist when it comes to relationships between men and women in Eastern Europe. He said it was a Western European thing. But is it? Do men and women in Eastern Europe never form a close friendship that does not include any romance?
A bit more background: The Ukrainian guy always asks me for advice on the English language, then I am suddenly his friend. But when I ask him about friendship, he says that "a woman and a man CANNOT be friends. WE cannot be friends." So he basically just uses me as a free learning resource, I guess, He also tried to keep me from becoming friends with someone from Poland by always saying negative things about how the Polish guy and I would never get along, and became quite annoyed when he saw that it did not stop me from talking to the Polish guy. And that it did not stop us from actually getting along in a way.
Problem 2: Do Eastern Europeans see Western Europeans as their enemies?
When talking to SOME Eastern Europeans (fortunately not all), it comes across as if they still see Western Europeans (especially the English and Germans) as some sort of enemy, and that there is a lot of bitterness. A Polish man made me aware of some jokes about Poles that are apparently quite popular in Germany (I've never heard them before though, maybe because I never hung out with racist people?), and how Poles are sometimes perceived by other Europeans. During those discussions, I became aware of how unaware I was of all those things. I just never had those ideas (and still don't), e.g. that Eastern Europeans steal, are dishonest, etc. It never occurred to me, and kind of shocked me that Eastern Europeans seem to think that other countries think of them that way. Is it really like that? And do Eastern Europeans still hate some countries for what happened in history? It made me quite sad when someone said that I was their "enemy" because I was born in Germany. But damn it, I wanted to get out of that country since I was kid because I never felt connected to the country - and you'll not get me back to Germany, so I hate it when people judge me because of something I had no control over, i.e. where I was born. Maybe that is the reason why I tend to judge people on things OTHER than their nationality? Am I too naive? Does nationality play more of a role than I believe?
Problem 3: Politeness in different countries
In the last few months, I had some issues with the topic of politeness. I usually try to be polite. In an honest way though. I am not going to say something nice to someone if I do not mean it. But what does politeness mean in Eastern Europe? I tried to be polite, and kind to someone, and he treated me as if I did the most suspicious thing. I know that in Eastern Europe, some things are different, e.g. you wouldn't call someone by their first name unless you know them well (and in England you just call almost everyone by their first name). But what else is a difference in Eastern Europe? How can you show someone from Eastern Europe that you truly respect them for who they are without coming across like an idiot or someone dishonest?
My view on Eastern Europeans
I honestly enjoy having Eastern Europeans around. I love their accent when they speak English (that is if they speak English well enough, and do communicate with me), and I have always been fascinated by Eastern Europe for some reason. Why? I have no idea. Why is my favourite colour my favourite colour? I also do not know. It just is the way it is.
Friendship between Germans and Poles?
One Eastern European person in particular fascinates me, and the conversations with him helped me to understand a lot about life, and myself. And yet, he is the one person that always manages to confuse me when he suddenly starts with his "East vs. West" statements again. From one moment (where I feel like he's a really good friend that I can trust, and who trusts me in a way) to the next (where I feel like he sees me as an enemy he could never trust), things just change. He also does not like it when I want to talk about the confusion ("Why do you always want to talk?" he says). Don't get this wrong: From my point of view, the two of us are friends. At least I know that I see myself as his friend. If he needed my help with something I can realistically do (and which does not involve harming any animals), I would help him. I see myself as connected to him, and once I feel that way, I am a loyal friend. But I would lie if I said I understand him. I don't - but I want to. And I wonder whether it's just the Eastern European issue that keeps a certain distance between us or something else.
Is it possible - over time, with patience, and honesty - to overcome problems that arise from two people being from two different countries with different cultures, ideas, and ideals?
As already mentioned, I used to have a Polish girl as a friend when I was a kid. But I guess things are different when you are younger. Children care less about countries. Why can't we all be more like children? Less judgemental? More interested in having fun and getting along? More interested in loving and being loved than making others feel bad about who they are?
Hi Kim, I think Hofstede's cultural dimensions may give some interesting insights on these subjects. On the other hand it may be simple to understand if we think that true friendship is only possible between equals. The higher gender inequality is in a society, the less likely it is to have friends between them, and since this affects thinking in many ways, a lot of misunderstanging may come, like in politeness.
ReplyDeleteThere is that family name thing too, which I hate, and has a strong destructive message, that "we do not belong to the same clan". I really hate it, but I think it is slowly fading at least in Hungary.
In personal relationships, I think a lot depends on awareness of these cultural effects and on our priorities. If friendship is important so that we are willing to put it first, then friendship is possible, whatever the predicaments are.
Regarding politics, I think one basic trait of capitalism is that might is right. The rules are made by the strong ones, and life is much governed by the constraints of the market. When this manifests itself as an inequality between nations, then it is a difficult situation, and might give a bitter taste of being colonized.
But again, on a personal level, if friendship is more important, then it should not matter. Much like the little prince having one single rose being special, and others having fivethousand meaningless....
Thank you for the thoughtful comment.
DeleteI do hope that a friendship is possible because that one person has a great influence on my life, and it would be difficult for me if we would never move past a certain distance. He is on holiday at the moment, so I already had two weeks to test whether my ideas about the friendship are still the same, and they are. It is not clear when he will be back, but I hope that things will develop well. That one friendship is indeed more important to me than others.
I hope you will succeed... : )
Delete...I like the end of you post, a lot! : ))
ReplyDelete