Spirit of the River

Sometimes, a voice inside of you tells you something - you know that things will develop a certain way. Your intuition, your guts, your heart, whatever talks to you in those moments, tells you. Sometimes we do not want to accept that we already know things. We hope that they might turn out differently - that our inner voice is wrong. And then, a while later, things do indeed turn out the way we thought right in the beginning. Does this ever happen to you? If yes, do you trust your inner voice, or do you go against it? In the last four months, I knew that there was a development going on that would mean something negative for me. I KNEW it, I just knew. I did not want to believe it. I hoped against all odds that my inner voice was wrong, and that I would be proven wrong. That for once things would have a more positive ending for me - instead of me having to watch other people having a happy ending (not the first time that this happened). Unfortunately, I was not wrong. Now I tell myse...

Yesterday, the first moor hen chicks appeared around the pond, and the ducklings will most likely not be far away either. The world around me is filled with new life. The flower bulbs I planted also break through the soil, the trees have leaves again, and many are in bloom right now. The sun has been shining for a few days in a row - and yet, the beauty around me is tainted by a few negative things. It is a bitter-sweet time of endings and new beginnings, though I am not so sure yet what those new beginnings will be. Someone who means a lot to me, but to whom I mean virtually nothing, will soon leave - and while the whole story is quite depressing and sad, this stubborn man has taught me some very important lessons in honesty, people, and how much better it is to keep your distance. In the last few months, I had gradually put some doors and windows in the walls that protect my soul and heart, and I regret it. It is a weakness to become attached to other people, especially when y...

Do you know your own values or are you defined by what you "should" be? Other people have ideas about how we are supposed to be ever since we were little. Be reliable, be punctual, be caring, be friendly, be social, etc. We each have learned what kind of values are expected. Our families, friends, teachers, bosses, and co-workers are often quite influential - sometimes so much that we don't feel quite right, never know our own values, or hide them because we feel like they are not valued by other people. People who know their own values, and act accordingly are usually the people you look up to, and who feel different from the others. How many do you know? I.e. the people who don't define themselves by other people's value, and who do not define themselves by their success or their financial possessions?  Being a person who is different from others is not always easy, but knowing your own values helps you a lot. They can be your inner compass, and the...

Warning: This is another unedited post. I just wrote down some of the things that are on my mind. Sorry for any mistakes - but this post is what it is!  Most of us make the mistake of trying to impress other people - and often we do stupid things to be "liked": we drink too much to be accepted we speak words that should not be spoken just to fit in we hide who we really are we go to parties we do not want to go to we take part in activities we do not enjoy we basically let other people lead us around on a leash - like a puppy. This is all wrong. Do you really think the people who need to be impressed in that manner are the right people to have around? Do they make you happy? Do they feed out their affection to you as if they were throwing crumbs to pigeons in a park (thanks to Darren Hayes for that image)? Then they might not be the right people to have in your life. I found that you need to make sure that you YOURSELF can look into the mirror, at your ac...

Acceptance, respect, friendship, love, safety - those are things most of us want at a certain level. Some need one of them more than the others, and can live with lower levels of the others. Unfortunately, we often do not get some of those, and some unlucky people struggle their whole life with even feeling safe or accepted in their relationships, be it with friends, family or lovers. We often make compromises, say yes to things we do not want to do - just to please others, make them like us more, make them accept us more, hoping that one day things would be different, and that the constant struggle for TRUE respect and love would be over. Let me get one thing right out of the way: if you have to fight for other people's attention, then just forget about it. They do not care that much. It should not be a constant fight for attention. Respect and love yourself enough to see when you are chasing the wrong person. Everyone who needs chasing IS the wrong person. The right people want...

The regular readers of my blog now that things have been going downhill for me in the last few weeks. There was a hole in my heart from which hope was constantly draining. Or rather: there were so many cracks in it that nothing could be done to keep it either from breaking apart or turning into a hollow shell. A dream Then, about a week ago, I had a dream that I only partially remembered when I woke up. The most vivid part of it was that I stood at the side of a stranger at night time. It was not truly dark, the colours around us were mainly blue, purple, and black. And of course the white stars in the sky. The stranger was a man I had never seen before, yet he seemed very familiar. I know that he was some sort of spiritual guide in that dream as the surroundings were quite unreal. The closest explanation would be a black sand beach at night with a very interestingly coloured sky. There was no ocean though. It was a very unusual location for one of my dreams. I had never been ...

Sometimes things happen in your life, and you wonder whether they are mere coincidences or whether there is more meaning to what happened. After all, many things happen during a day, during a week, etc. Every single hour usually has something else happening in your life - and to some events you never give much importance or thought. But some things happen at certain times, and you ask yourself: "Is this supposed to tell me something?" As I only have very few regular readers on this blog, hardly anyone will have noticed that there has been quite a long gap between a very active time and my latest posts. One fact about me is that it is never a good sign when I stop writing at all. Even if I write something negative, as long as I write, I haven't yet given up on things. The last few weeks were not easy for a variety of reasons, and in the last week especially, things did not look well. However, just that someone took the time to read some of my rather old posts and even ...