One thing I often hear when I tell people part of my story is that: "I wish I could live like that. That must be so exciting." Unfortunately, people do not think that statement through. Ask yourself these questions:
- Can you fit almost all of your belongings into a medium backpack and a suitcase?
- Can you live with the uncertainty of not knowing where you will live next? Sometimes you don't know where you will be the next day, because it all depends on luck, finances, and finding the right place.
- Would it be okay for you to have no family at all? (Because if you want my life, you got to lose your family, otherwise you'll live a different live - and didn't you want mine?)
- Could you live without having a home, a fixed address to call your home? Could you live with banks not wanting to give you an account because you don't have a home? Because you don't have a job they see as a job?
- Do you have what it takes to constantly find freelance jobs that pay you just enough to live? Can you imagine not having all the luxuries you have in your life, like your book collection, CD collection, DVD collection, your favourite cup, etc.?
It is hard to make people understand that my life isn't a big adventure. If I could, I would live differently - but unfortunately I had not much of a say in the matter. I had to leave New Zealand, I even had to sell my camera to be able to afford the ticket out of New Zealand and to the UK. I didn't want to leave. I was just getting to the point where I was thinking about having my own place in NZ, and settling down somewhere (I had lived on a friend's farm for a couple of years, and before that in Whanganui for a few years), then NZ immigration deemed me not good and valuable enough to live in the country. I had no place to go to, no significant savings to speak of.
I will not explain all the details to you - but know this: if I could just settle down somewhere, find a part-time job to pay for my rent, then I would. But I am currently just always trying hard to not be homeless. It is not an adventure, it's a nightmare. I'll have a bit of a break when I will work on a farm next month, but unless I manage to also earn a lot of money with writing or find a part-time job in a cafe, then I will just have the same problem again in a few months.
My life is tiring. It robs me of my energy, and I have enough problems without having to worry about where I will live next. I would love to be able to just have a proper break, too. I would like to be able to go home, close the door behind me, and not have to justify myself to others. I would like to be able to say: "Hey, it's my day off. I can stay in bed as long as I want, I don't have to worry about any other people in the house / flat." I would love to be able to have a book-shelf, a proper computer, a place to call home even just for a year or so.
You don't want to live like me - what people want when they hear about my life is a HOLIDAY, not what I do. My life is not a holiday. I haven't had a holiday for a long, long time.
That sounds awful. :( I wish I could help somehow. I've never been homeless, so I don't suppose I can fully understand what it feels like. I won't try to solve your problems for you. You know your own situation far better than I do. All I can do is be here for you if you need me. For morale support, or whatever else I can do.
ReplyDeleteI know you love England, but if for whatever reason there comes a time when you need a place to stay, you are welcome to stay with me. :) Hang in there, Kim.