Spirit of the River

I am rather demotivated at the moment. Why work harder than other people if other people in the end get more for less work? Two volunteers who work a lot less than I do (also as a volunteer) get taken to see a castle this weekend, while I have to work. One of those two is being taken to the second castle. He's been taken on a day trip before. While I have been here since November and haven't been taken anywhere once. Usually, volunteers work five hours a day. But because I am really committed to the animals, I usually work six hours, often seven or eight (as a volunteer, so it's not like I get any money for extra hours). So I work more, but get less in return. How is that fair? It's just my life. I often put in so much effort into things, but get nothing in return. I feel like giving up. Why be reliable and hard working if it's just taken for granted? Why put in more effort when people who slack get all the rewards and extra attention?

I have known for a long time that motivation is something that needs to come from within yourself. At least genuine motivation needs to come from within your own soul - it is the only kind of motivation that will last. Even though I have known this, I found (and still find) it very hard to keep myself motivated, to keep the spark within alive, to not let the world and the people in it kill my dreams. As a writer, I also read a lot. Most books are dedicated to other people, or have some sort of acknowledgment page where authors thank people who support them, people who keep them going, people who motivate them, and so on. For a very long time, I have wished I would have people I could use for these pages. I was wondering whom I would dedicate my books to, whom I would thank. But I could only ever think of fictional and/or famous characters. In real life, there is nobody who supports me with my writing and shows a genuine interest in my ideas or progress (of which there isn't that ...

Something unbelievable happened: I changed my mind about not wanting to call anybody the number 1 Michael Jackson tribute artist. Read on to find out why. What has changed - and where have I been for the last few months? I haven't written anything on any of my blogs in the last few months - not on my literature related one, not on the one related to my create writing, not on the one about chickens, not on this one, not even on the one I use to write on when there's nobody to talk to but I feel like communicating. I felt like I could do nothing any longer - that it was not worth it. Life in general has been challenging to put it mildly. For reasons I might explain in another post, I am struggling a lot - and I can't tell whether I just reached a plateau down in the valley of "this is going nowhere", or whether I am slowly starting to go uphill again. Only time will tell. If you have read my entries of the past, you know that I had some issues with som...

Last night, I have been to a place called Stevenage to watch a Michael Jackson tribute artist called Ben . He was one of only two UK tribute artists I found interesting and promising enough to spend money on a ticket, transport, and accommodation (it's too difficult to travel back home with public transport at night). Now that I have seen three different Michael Jackson tribute artists in person, I would like to write about what they have in common, what made each of them stand out, and then answer the question: Is there really a number one? Did one of the two UK tributes manage to do something Kenny did not do? If you have read my old writings about Kenny, you know that he's very special (at least to me). I will have a look at their looks, their energy during the performance, the song selection, the costumes, the singing (or lack of it), the moves, the band & the dancers, the overall feel of the concert, and the meet & greet after the shows. In...

Today, I got a bit annoyed because I read a few comments on Facebook about how Boy George's voice changed and that he should call it quits. They said something along the lines of him just not being the same any longer. Oh, guess what? He's gotten older, and in my personal opinion, better. It's not 1982 any longer. I was born in 1983, 33 years ago. I am not the same person I was in 1983. Or in 1993. Neither were you. No matter what your age is now, you are NOT the same as when you were 10, 20, 30, etc. years old. One fact: PEOPLE CHANGE . Every single one of us changes. If you can't admit that, then you have a serious problem. It's not only our characters that change, but also our voices. People need to stop expecting that people like Boy George never change. Do you want him to only sing "Karma Chameleon" and "Do you really want to hurt me?" all the time? If yes, go, buy those records, put the videos on repeat on YouTube, and just keep you...

Oh yes, it's partially about Boy George. Accept it and read on, or leave. It is up to you. I'm mainly writing this for myself, because writing helps me. You have been warned. This post might at some stage just turn into "Oh my god, I just don't believe it" nonsense.  Less than one and a half months have passed since I wrote about Boy George, and how he randomly turned up in my life (and dreams) . I have listened to a lot of his music since then, and learned more about his life. I'm not finished yet - there's a lot to catch up on. On one hand, I feel sad that I missed his tours and shows - on the other hand, I'm glad that he turned up when he did. It was a rather dark time in my life - still partially is, because life is not easy at the moment, and not one person around me actually notices or cares. I was close to giving up on many of my dreams. I did not write anything, apart from one or the other freelance job to get some money in. And that k...

Most of us do have role models in our life. For some of us, they are members of our family. For some of us our biggest role model is one of our friends. For some of us, the biggest role models are famous people from various careers. Then there are people who claim to not have any role model - but that is a different story. To me, my role models were mainly people from the world of music and acting. I simply had nobody in my family who was suitable as a person to look up to. There were alcoholics and people who stood by, doing nothing. As a young kid, my escape was the world of music, books, and TV. In there, I found people who had courage, who were well-spoken, encouraging, creative, and in a way always there for me. The first two important role models who entered my life were Captain Jean-Luc Picard , portrayed by the fantastic Patrick Stewart, and Michael Jackson . Jean-Luc Picard was someone I wished to be my father - and you have to admit the man makes a rather good role-mo...

Some people might find it weird that I like a variety of different music styles and artists, and do not understand how I can listen to some artists and then to some who are so very different from them. It's not for them to understand. It's my interest, my enjoyment, my entertainment. One thing the artists I like have in common is that they went through some very hard times in their lives, and got through it. They also followed their passion for music and put their talent to good use. They show how important it is to not give up. And this kind of message spans genres. For me, an artist who has passion, motivation, and a will to fight means more than someone who is only in it for the fame, for the money, for the compliments. I only very rarely add to my list of artists I really admire/love/respect and thoroughly enjoy. Sometimes they are artists who have been around for a long time. Recently, I ended up watching a Culture Club video. Of course, I knew about them. Their music wa...

Think about one of your closest relationships - with your best friend, your wife, your partner, your mother, any relationship that means a lot to you, even (no, especially if) it sometimes is problematic. When someone would ask you how much responsibility each person has to make the relationship work, what would you say? That it is a 50/50 share of responsibility, or maybe a 60/40 because you should always be willing to give a little more than the other person? While the explanations for both answers are understandable, it would be better for everyone if we always took on 100% of the responsibility - without expecting anything in return. I think if we all just stopped expecting too much from each other and took on more responsibility for our OWN behaviour, then many friendships and relationships would work a lot better. The expectation factor is one of the things that leads to many disappointments, bitterness, and even resentment. And if you stop expecting things for every one...

When I look back at some of the articles I have written for this blog, I am wondering why I do have all of those ideas, why I can give people good advice on how to become better people, how to treat themselves, how to be themselves, etc, but then not follow my own advice. And I am sure that I am not the only person who - in theory - knows a lot about life, about how to be happy, about how to act so that you can achieve your dreams in life. But why is it so much easier to help other people? Or to turn the question around: Why is it so much harder to listen to my own advice, i.e. not chase other people and respect yourself enough to not let others treat you like an idiot? Or make time for the things that are truly important to you? Does it ever happen to you that you have good answers to other people's problems, and can even help them very well, but then you look at your own life and wonder why you can't do the same for yourself? 

When I still lived in New Zealand, and also during my first year in the UK, I often dreamed dreams that included Lucy Lawless. Not Xena, but the actress herself. Last night, I had a dream that surprised me because I thought my years of dreams about Lucy Lawless were over because the last dream I had about her felt like the end of a series. The dreams were telling me a lot about my life, especially now that I am looking back at them. It once more makes me wonder whether our dreams are more than just random images and stories that come to us at night.  In the beginning: Lucy Lawless as an unapproachable, distant star My dreams in the beginning were usually set during conventions or shows, e.g. concerts during which Lucy was the singer. I was always only part of the audience, and as much as I wanted to talk to Lucy, and ask her questions about life, I never had the chance to get anywhere close to her. I was simply a powerless spectator who wanted something she cou...

What this article will be about In the past few months, I have lived in a place where I get to interact with Eastern Europeans quite a bit. I tend to get along with most people (that does not mean they are friends though), and am interested in different cultures. I used to have a Polish friend when I was a kid, and a Russian best friend when I was 16-22 years old. I also used to get along with people from Eastern Asia, especially the Japanese - but that is another topic. In this blog article, I would like to discuss a few things about the differences between people from different European countries - and whether those differences can be overcome or not. What do I mean by Eastern and Western European? Of course, Europe consists of more than just East and West. Some people also make the difference between Central, Northern, and Southern parts of Europe, but to me (in this article) it is about the differences between countries like Poland, Hungary, the Ukraine, Romania, a...

Sometimes, a voice inside of you tells you something - you know that things will develop a certain way. Your intuition, your guts, your heart, whatever talks to you in those moments, tells you. Sometimes we do not want to accept that we already know things. We hope that they might turn out differently - that our inner voice is wrong. And then, a while later, things do indeed turn out the way we thought right in the beginning. Does this ever happen to you? If yes, do you trust your inner voice, or do you go against it? In the last four months, I knew that there was a development going on that would mean something negative for me. I KNEW it, I just knew. I did not want to believe it. I hoped against all odds that my inner voice was wrong, and that I would be proven wrong. That for once things would have a more positive ending for me - instead of me having to watch other people having a happy ending (not the first time that this happened). Unfortunately, I was not wrong. Now I tell myse...

Yesterday, the first moor hen chicks appeared around the pond, and the ducklings will most likely not be far away either. The world around me is filled with new life. The flower bulbs I planted also break through the soil, the trees have leaves again, and many are in bloom right now. The sun has been shining for a few days in a row - and yet, the beauty around me is tainted by a few negative things. It is a bitter-sweet time of endings and new beginnings, though I am not so sure yet what those new beginnings will be. Someone who means a lot to me, but to whom I mean virtually nothing, will soon leave - and while the whole story is quite depressing and sad, this stubborn man has taught me some very important lessons in honesty, people, and how much better it is to keep your distance. In the last few months, I had gradually put some doors and windows in the walls that protect my soul and heart, and I regret it. It is a weakness to become attached to other people, especially when y...

Do you know your own values or are you defined by what you "should" be? Other people have ideas about how we are supposed to be ever since we were little. Be reliable, be punctual, be caring, be friendly, be social, etc. We each have learned what kind of values are expected. Our families, friends, teachers, bosses, and co-workers are often quite influential - sometimes so much that we don't feel quite right, never know our own values, or hide them because we feel like they are not valued by other people. People who know their own values, and act accordingly are usually the people you look up to, and who feel different from the others. How many do you know? I.e. the people who don't define themselves by other people's value, and who do not define themselves by their success or their financial possessions?  Being a person who is different from others is not always easy, but knowing your own values helps you a lot. They can be your inner compass, and the...

Warning: This is another unedited post. I just wrote down some of the things that are on my mind. Sorry for any mistakes - but this post is what it is!  Most of us make the mistake of trying to impress other people - and often we do stupid things to be "liked": we drink too much to be accepted we speak words that should not be spoken just to fit in we hide who we really are we go to parties we do not want to go to we take part in activities we do not enjoy we basically let other people lead us around on a leash - like a puppy. This is all wrong. Do you really think the people who need to be impressed in that manner are the right people to have around? Do they make you happy? Do they feed out their affection to you as if they were throwing crumbs to pigeons in a park (thanks to Darren Hayes for that image)? Then they might not be the right people to have in your life. I found that you need to make sure that you YOURSELF can look into the mirror, at your ac...

Acceptance, respect, friendship, love, safety - those are things most of us want at a certain level. Some need one of them more than the others, and can live with lower levels of the others. Unfortunately, we often do not get some of those, and some unlucky people struggle their whole life with even feeling safe or accepted in their relationships, be it with friends, family or lovers. We often make compromises, say yes to things we do not want to do - just to please others, make them like us more, make them accept us more, hoping that one day things would be different, and that the constant struggle for TRUE respect and love would be over. Let me get one thing right out of the way: if you have to fight for other people's attention, then just forget about it. They do not care that much. It should not be a constant fight for attention. Respect and love yourself enough to see when you are chasing the wrong person. Everyone who needs chasing IS the wrong person. The right people want...

The regular readers of my blog now that things have been going downhill for me in the last few weeks. There was a hole in my heart from which hope was constantly draining. Or rather: there were so many cracks in it that nothing could be done to keep it either from breaking apart or turning into a hollow shell. A dream Then, about a week ago, I had a dream that I only partially remembered when I woke up. The most vivid part of it was that I stood at the side of a stranger at night time. It was not truly dark, the colours around us were mainly blue, purple, and black. And of course the white stars in the sky. The stranger was a man I had never seen before, yet he seemed very familiar. I know that he was some sort of spiritual guide in that dream as the surroundings were quite unreal. The closest explanation would be a black sand beach at night with a very interestingly coloured sky. There was no ocean though. It was a very unusual location for one of my dreams. I had never been ...