Spirit of the River

Think about one of your closest relationships - with your best friend, your wife, your partner, your mother, any relationship that means a lot to you, even (no, especially if) it sometimes is problematic. When someone would ask you how much responsibility each person has to make the relationship work, what would you say? That it is a 50/50 share of responsibility, or maybe a 60/40 because you should always be willing to give a little more than the other person? While the explanations for both answers are understandable, it would be better for everyone if we always took on 100% of the responsibility - without expecting anything in return. I think if we all just stopped expecting too much from each other and took on more responsibility for our OWN behaviour, then many friendships and relationships would work a lot better. The expectation factor is one of the things that leads to many disappointments, bitterness, and even resentment. And if you stop expecting things for every one...

When I look back at some of the articles I have written for this blog, I am wondering why I do have all of those ideas, why I can give people good advice on how to become better people, how to treat themselves, how to be themselves, etc, but then not follow my own advice. And I am sure that I am not the only person who - in theory - knows a lot about life, about how to be happy, about how to act so that you can achieve your dreams in life. But why is it so much easier to help other people? Or to turn the question around: Why is it so much harder to listen to my own advice, i.e. not chase other people and respect yourself enough to not let others treat you like an idiot? Or make time for the things that are truly important to you? Does it ever happen to you that you have good answers to other people's problems, and can even help them very well, but then you look at your own life and wonder why you can't do the same for yourself? 

When I still lived in New Zealand, and also during my first year in the UK, I often dreamed dreams that included Lucy Lawless. Not Xena, but the actress herself. Last night, I had a dream that surprised me because I thought my years of dreams about Lucy Lawless were over because the last dream I had about her felt like the end of a series. The dreams were telling me a lot about my life, especially now that I am looking back at them. It once more makes me wonder whether our dreams are more than just random images and stories that come to us at night.  In the beginning: Lucy Lawless as an unapproachable, distant star My dreams in the beginning were usually set during conventions or shows, e.g. concerts during which Lucy was the singer. I was always only part of the audience, and as much as I wanted to talk to Lucy, and ask her questions about life, I never had the chance to get anywhere close to her. I was simply a powerless spectator who wanted something she cou...

What this article will be about In the past few months, I have lived in a place where I get to interact with Eastern Europeans quite a bit. I tend to get along with most people (that does not mean they are friends though), and am interested in different cultures. I used to have a Polish friend when I was a kid, and a Russian best friend when I was 16-22 years old. I also used to get along with people from Eastern Asia, especially the Japanese - but that is another topic. In this blog article, I would like to discuss a few things about the differences between people from different European countries - and whether those differences can be overcome or not. What do I mean by Eastern and Western European? Of course, Europe consists of more than just East and West. Some people also make the difference between Central, Northern, and Southern parts of Europe, but to me (in this article) it is about the differences between countries like Poland, Hungary, the Ukraine, Romania, a...

Sometimes, a voice inside of you tells you something - you know that things will develop a certain way. Your intuition, your guts, your heart, whatever talks to you in those moments, tells you. Sometimes we do not want to accept that we already know things. We hope that they might turn out differently - that our inner voice is wrong. And then, a while later, things do indeed turn out the way we thought right in the beginning. Does this ever happen to you? If yes, do you trust your inner voice, or do you go against it? In the last four months, I knew that there was a development going on that would mean something negative for me. I KNEW it, I just knew. I did not want to believe it. I hoped against all odds that my inner voice was wrong, and that I would be proven wrong. That for once things would have a more positive ending for me - instead of me having to watch other people having a happy ending (not the first time that this happened). Unfortunately, I was not wrong. Now I tell myse...

Yesterday, the first moor hen chicks appeared around the pond, and the ducklings will most likely not be far away either. The world around me is filled with new life. The flower bulbs I planted also break through the soil, the trees have leaves again, and many are in bloom right now. The sun has been shining for a few days in a row - and yet, the beauty around me is tainted by a few negative things. It is a bitter-sweet time of endings and new beginnings, though I am not so sure yet what those new beginnings will be. Someone who means a lot to me, but to whom I mean virtually nothing, will soon leave - and while the whole story is quite depressing and sad, this stubborn man has taught me some very important lessons in honesty, people, and how much better it is to keep your distance. In the last few months, I had gradually put some doors and windows in the walls that protect my soul and heart, and I regret it. It is a weakness to become attached to other people, especially when y...

Do you know your own values or are you defined by what you "should" be? Other people have ideas about how we are supposed to be ever since we were little. Be reliable, be punctual, be caring, be friendly, be social, etc. We each have learned what kind of values are expected. Our families, friends, teachers, bosses, and co-workers are often quite influential - sometimes so much that we don't feel quite right, never know our own values, or hide them because we feel like they are not valued by other people. People who know their own values, and act accordingly are usually the people you look up to, and who feel different from the others. How many do you know? I.e. the people who don't define themselves by other people's value, and who do not define themselves by their success or their financial possessions?  Being a person who is different from others is not always easy, but knowing your own values helps you a lot. They can be your inner compass, and the...

Warning: This is another unedited post. I just wrote down some of the things that are on my mind. Sorry for any mistakes - but this post is what it is!  Most of us make the mistake of trying to impress other people - and often we do stupid things to be "liked": we drink too much to be accepted we speak words that should not be spoken just to fit in we hide who we really are we go to parties we do not want to go to we take part in activities we do not enjoy we basically let other people lead us around on a leash - like a puppy. This is all wrong. Do you really think the people who need to be impressed in that manner are the right people to have around? Do they make you happy? Do they feed out their affection to you as if they were throwing crumbs to pigeons in a park (thanks to Darren Hayes for that image)? Then they might not be the right people to have in your life. I found that you need to make sure that you YOURSELF can look into the mirror, at your ac...

Acceptance, respect, friendship, love, safety - those are things most of us want at a certain level. Some need one of them more than the others, and can live with lower levels of the others. Unfortunately, we often do not get some of those, and some unlucky people struggle their whole life with even feeling safe or accepted in their relationships, be it with friends, family or lovers. We often make compromises, say yes to things we do not want to do - just to please others, make them like us more, make them accept us more, hoping that one day things would be different, and that the constant struggle for TRUE respect and love would be over. Let me get one thing right out of the way: if you have to fight for other people's attention, then just forget about it. They do not care that much. It should not be a constant fight for attention. Respect and love yourself enough to see when you are chasing the wrong person. Everyone who needs chasing IS the wrong person. The right people want...

The regular readers of my blog now that things have been going downhill for me in the last few weeks. There was a hole in my heart from which hope was constantly draining. Or rather: there were so many cracks in it that nothing could be done to keep it either from breaking apart or turning into a hollow shell. A dream Then, about a week ago, I had a dream that I only partially remembered when I woke up. The most vivid part of it was that I stood at the side of a stranger at night time. It was not truly dark, the colours around us were mainly blue, purple, and black. And of course the white stars in the sky. The stranger was a man I had never seen before, yet he seemed very familiar. I know that he was some sort of spiritual guide in that dream as the surroundings were quite unreal. The closest explanation would be a black sand beach at night with a very interestingly coloured sky. There was no ocean though. It was a very unusual location for one of my dreams. I had never been ...

Sometimes things happen in your life, and you wonder whether they are mere coincidences or whether there is more meaning to what happened. After all, many things happen during a day, during a week, etc. Every single hour usually has something else happening in your life - and to some events you never give much importance or thought. But some things happen at certain times, and you ask yourself: "Is this supposed to tell me something?" As I only have very few regular readers on this blog, hardly anyone will have noticed that there has been quite a long gap between a very active time and my latest posts. One fact about me is that it is never a good sign when I stop writing at all. Even if I write something negative, as long as I write, I haven't yet given up on things. The last few weeks were not easy for a variety of reasons, and in the last week especially, things did not look well. However, just that someone took the time to read some of my rather old posts and even ...

I haven't been blogging lately - and so far nobody missed my blog, so I guess it's not such an issue. I need to do some writing this evening, or rather, I would like to talk to someone, but there is nobody who would understand my thoughts, and I won't utter them here either, but it'll be good to just do some writing. I have recently moved (yes, once more).People who know me either online or offline always seem to think my life is easy, and I'm content because I never have a break-down in front of anybody, because I am strong, and because I still manage to appear confident and positive when I interact with people - but basically it is not true. I have tried to explain my situation to people, but they just do not get it simply because they have never experienced anything close to what I have experienced, and after a while, I just give up on trying to explain. It drains my energy even more. I always hoped that one day there would be somebody who truly understand with...

A quote When I was reading a wonderful book called "There is no Fear (Children of the Knight Vol. 3)" by Michael Bowler, I came across a line that inspired me to write this post a few months ago. Yes, this is actually an older post from a blog that used to have on WordPress. But it still feels relevant, and I know I have more readers on here than on Wordpress. So I am editing the post to re-use it here. The quote was the following: "Sometimes saying the things we've not been saying [...] was the hardest thing in the world to do." The quote is a thought from Lance, the main character, who thinks about his feelings for his best friend. Feelings that he hardly ever puts into words, partially because he has problems with accepting them, and is afraid of what would happen if he spoke those words. He is afraid of being judged, misunderstood, and rejected by someone who means a lot to him. The things we do not say - and why we do not say them The things people do...

One thing people usually learn about me quite early is that they should never underestimate my love for animals (especially birds). Though I have learned to keep my enthusiasm in check most of the time, and usually only show my true love for animals when I am around people I feel comfortable with (if I ever tell you the whole story of Frodo, then it means I trust you!). I'm the kind of person you'll find in the kids' zone in a zoo, petting a goat, and being happy like a child (note: I usually prefer other settings than zoos though - and some zoos deserve to be shut down, but that's a topic for a different blog). I'm the kind of person who goes out of her way to help animals in need, and also the kind of person who often prefers the company of animals to the company of people. Let me explain why that is so. My lovely rooster Frodo, who died last year in New Zealand. And I am in England. I wish I could have been there for him during his last days. Animals mak...

Seeing that many people are going on about dates these days, and because my last article was about imaginary relationships, I thought I'd follow it up with my list of dream dates (and I felt like treating myself to browsing through nice photos!). If these people did really exist, then I'd definitely like to meet them! I restricted the list to ten people - after all, there are quite a few lovely fictional characters out there. This list is in no particular order. Aragorn (Lord of the Rings) : preferably the Strider version because he's far too clean and tidy when he's king. I liked him when he was still a bit rough around the edges, and still was full of doubts.  Bard (The Hobbit) : I think this needs no explanation. Most of you know what I like about him. Faramir (Lord of the Rings) : Here I prefer the book version because they changed his initial motivation quite a bit in the movies. I think he is a very sweet character. Auron from Final Fantasy X: D...

Sometimes, you need the help of a wise friend. A discussion on Facebook gave me the idea to write about imaginary relationships (which includes friendships, too, it's not all about love). Most of us had such a relationship at some stage in our life, some of us had a more detailed one, and others just had thoughts like "What if...?" Some kids had imaginary friends, other kids didn't. An imaginary friendship is defined by the fact that the person you day-dream about either doesn't exist or has no interest in the kind of relationship you are interested in. In many cases, the person of desire is a famous person or a fictional character that simply is too good to really exist in life. And this is what I am writing about here: I am not going into imaginary relationships with people you actually know - because I think that can be quite a dangerous topic, and it can also create problems in relationships as they actually are in reality. But what about your daydre...

One thing I often hear when I tell people part of my story is that: "I wish I could live like that. That must be so exciting." Unfortunately, people do not think that statement through. Ask yourself these questions: Can you fit almost all of your belongings into a medium backpack and a suitcase? Can you live with the uncertainty of not knowing where you will live next? Sometimes you don't know where you will be the next day, because it all depends on luck, finances, and finding the right place.  Would it be okay for you to have no family at all? (Because if you want my life, you got to lose your family, otherwise you'll live a different live - and didn't you want mine?) Could you live without having a home, a fixed address to call your home? Could you live with banks not wanting to give you an account because you don't have a home? Because you don't have a job they see as a job? Do you have what it takes to constantly find freelance jobs that pay yo...

While this is not really a love letter (which would be privately addressed and for the eyes of one person only), it is a blog post about why English means so much to me. People often ask me whether I ever plan on going back to Germany, and when I say no, hardly anybody understands. And I usually don't explain because I know that only very few people would truly listen and understand my reasons. In this blog, I do not explain why I do not want to live in Germany, but I will explain why I want to live in a country where people speak English (and basically, Germany's not one of those countries).  It has nothing to do with English being one of the most influential languages in the world. It has nothing to do with English being more beautiful than other languages (though to me it is). My reason for loving English is because to me it is the language of life. The language that gave me hope when there was none in my life. It is the language of the people who taught me mor...

 Valentine's Day - it's like Christmas, Easter, and other "holidays": you simply can't escape it. Even bookshops that are usually a place of retreat for me do not know any mercy. Heart-shaped items and lots of red and pink decorations declaring that it's Valentine's Day soon, and that you need to buy something for the love of your life, are everywhere. The day - and also Christmas - makes me wonder why people need a special occasion to show their love (if something like love actually exists).  If you really cared about someone, shouldn't you show them more often than just once a year? Wouldn't it be nicer if you surprised them with something lovely on a day they do not expect it? But I guess, there is a lot of pressure on couples to be a couple on Valentine's Day. And I also guess many women would not forgive it easily if their partner didn't do something special for them on Valentine's Day. It's just something I don't ...